PRICE: NIL
Tribunal opens its doors; the cats of Britain are advised to retain counsel
After centuries of broken glasses, shredded sofas and 3am sprints, the Registrar announces that the Feline Conduct Tribunal is now in session.
For as long as records have been kept, the cats of this country have operated beyond the reach of the law. They have knocked full glasses off tables while maintaining eye contact. They have sat on important paperwork, and on laptops, at the precise moment the paperwork mattered. They have brought small, deceased items to the back door and left without explanation.
No court would hear these cases. The magistrates were busy. The police declined to attend. Owners were left to absorb the losses quietly, buy another glass, and pretend not to mind.
That ends today. The Feline Conduct Tribunal is now in session. Any household may submit a photograph of the accused, and the Tribunal will examine the evidence, weigh the stare, and rule on how evil the cat really is. Verdicts are final, except on appeal, and there is no appeal.
CASES ALREADY BEFORE THE TRIBUNAL
A tabby has been observed moving a glass of water two centimetres a day towards the edge of a kitchen table. The glass has not yet fallen. The Tribunal considers this worse.
A British Blue has sent the word ";;;;;;;;;;;;" to an entire accounts department. The accounts department has asked for clarification. The cat has declined to give it.
A ginger tom ran the length of a landing, twice, at speed, for no reason. The Tribunal has looked for a reason. It has found none, which it finds deeply suspicious.
The Tribunal is aware of the objection, raised in some quarters, that cats are only animals and cannot be held responsible for anything. The Tribunal has considered this objection and rejects it. Anyone who has watched a cat look at a glass, then at them, then back at the glass, knows exactly what was going on.
“The accused does not have to say anything. It never has.”
The Tribunal wishes to make clear that it does not accept superstition as evidence. Black cats will be tried on their conduct, like everyone else, and the Tribunal expects most of them to be acquitted. It cannot say the same for the white Persians, who are covered by a clause of their own.
Owners wishing to clear their cat’s name may purchase an Indulgence from the Tribunal’s office. The Tribunal is merciful, within reason, and accepts payment in sardines or their cash equivalent.
The Tribunal sits daily. Bring the accused.
The RegistrarTHE FELINE CONDUCT TRIBUNAL
P.S. The Tribunal’s sister department, the Bureau of Canine Political Affiliation, continues its investigation of the nation’s dogs. Households with both are advised that the dog has seen everything.
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OUT OF CHARACTERThis is satire. No cat has ever been convicted of anything, though several deserve it. Is your dog far right? →